I Don't Know How to Ride A Bike... <BR>(and other ramblings): August 2005

I Don't Know How to Ride A Bike...
(and other ramblings)

Friday, August 26, 2005

Gwen Stefani Ain't No Home Wrecker! (And other scandalous news)

Item: Gwen Stefani was up for the role of Mrs. Smith in the film Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The role, as we all know, ultimately went to Angelina Jolie. Trackback story here.

Stefani claims that she went to a whopping 40-something auditions before finding out the role would not be hers. And while I don't doubt that Stefani is very capable of kicking ass, I think Jolie's casting was a better choice. Stefani is a bad-ass with semi-decent songs, but Jolie is the mother of all bad-asses. Plus, she's a much better actress.

Interestingly, the blurb claims that Stefani could have "saved Jennifer Aniston's marriage." Now, I don't know if this insinuates that Brad Pitt would not have been remotely interested in Stefani, thus allowing his wandering libido to stay put. Or maybe this is because Stefani is married. Or maybe it's because Stefani is not a dirty home-wrecking jezebel like Jolie. But any way you take it, you can kind of picture Jennifer Aniston shaking her fist right about now. Which brings us to...

Item: Jennifer Aniston has been caught gallivanting around town with her co-star, Vince Vaughn. The two were recently shooting a film called The Break Up, slated for release sometime in 2006. Trackback story here.

The other day I wandered into Shopper's Drug Mart and started perusing their magazine stash. Actually, the one I went to had a poor selection -- I mean, they still had that atrocious W issue with Katie Holmes on the cover. But I digress. None of the magazines looked remotely interesting, and I'm kind of sick at looking at the same covers over and over again. "Is Lindsay Lohan too skinny?" (yes), "Ben and Jen's romantic weekend!" (I lost a lot of respect when she let him impregnate her, willingly), "Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey on the rocks -- exclusive pictures inside!" (I guess once the sex was given up, there isn't much mystery left to their relationship), and so forth.

As I made my way to the counter, I spotted a lone, stray magazine sitting on the shelf. I usually try not to look at those particular magazines because they pique my curiosity way too much for me to feel good about myself, but I couldn't help it. I don't remember which magazine this was, but the cover claimed it was a new tabloid in the style of US Weekly or People. Weekly People, maybe. So I picked it up and scanned the exclusive pictures of Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, looking for a gossip high.

Instead, like usual, I was chagrined to find that these pictures didn't really relay much about their supposed torrid affair. There were some beach pictures (like the ones above; and how dare Aniston take off her top when Vaughn is sitting right next to her! Has she no decency?!?) as well as some pictures taken in the park. One had -- gasp! -- Aniston riding on Vaughn's back. Another had them in a harmless embrace. Some might read it as being intimate (did I forget to mention that this "exclusive" story had a "body language specialist" weigh in?), but it doesn't conclusively tell me that Vaughn is riding the waves, if you know what I mean. I've seen people at clubs act more "intimate" toward one another and not be lovers. Maybe Vaughn's just really touchy feely, or Aniston likes to flirt with men over six feet tall. Who knows. All I know is that I've had piggy back rides before (just the other day, my postman and I had a delightful romp), and that didn't mean I was sexually involved with the giver of the piggy back ride. Give me more, Weekly People or People US or whatever you're called, dammit!

On another note, we've all heard (and seen) the criticism that Vaughn is getting a little pudgy. But in the above beach pictures, he seems fine to me or, at least, back in shape. In fact, he looks way better than I would have imagined he would look without any clothes. Check out his semi-six pack. It sure looks a hell of a lot better than mine, that's for sure.

Not a home-wrecker, but I may play one on a reality show,

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

50 Cent Gives Ghetto Love! (And other quotable news)

Item: "That’s ghetto love -- his way of dealing with the break-up, and evidently I must have been special or done something right, because two years later, he’s still writing and talking about me" [Vivica A. Fox, referring to 50 Cent's childish treatment of their break-up]. Trackback story here.

So here's another example of a celebrity love gone wrong. Fox and 50 Cent's short-lived relationship (but kind of long by Hollywood standards, which is to say that it lasted more than a one-night stand) has become grounds for a full-out war.

"What he doesn’t realize is the more he raps about me, the more he makes other men curious about me. Other guys are saying, ‘what’s so good about Vivica that he’s still talking about her?'" continues she of Juwanna Mann and "The Starlet" fame. Uh, yes. That's what they must be saying.

But Fox can be diplomatic too. In another interview for ESPN, she admits, "What we made the mistake of doing was going public too fast with our relationship. We were both extremely excited about being together and we got caught up. Inevitably, in getting caught up, it destroyed our relationship. And I don't blame anyone for that, but both of us. In the future I hope that we can become friends again and that we can be cool."

But more importantly, all this went down two years ago. There has to be a statute of limitations on holding on to failed relationships, especially ones that last three puny months. Can I say it again, it was TWO YEARS AGO. It's akin to me writing a rap song about the sixth grade boy that broke my heart all those years ago. Maybe I can get Nate Dogg to do the hook.

Item: "They have been spending a lot of time together over the last few days trying to get their relationship back on track, but all they do is row. Now they have decided they are better off apart" [a blabby friend, discussing Sienna Miller's sudden decision to dump Jude Law's ass]. Trackback story here.

It's really no surprise that Miller ultimately decided to dump the nannyphile. While I doubt that Law will be hurtin' for his next fix of booty, it will certainly not to wonders for his career. Just like Disney accused Lindsay Lohan of sabotaging Herbie: Fully Loaded with her wild real-life antics, studios will surely not be pleased with Law's philandering ways. (And, really, shagging the nanny is so passé.) To add further insult to injury, a magazine recently published pictures of Law changing into his bathing trunks. Trackback the nudity here. Well, he might not be able to keep it in his pants, but he ain't no Colin Farrell.

Item: "If he hasn't discussed this with his own father, how serious could it be? That should tell you the whole story. My son is much too young to even consider a subject like marriage" [Grigoris Kasidokostas, the proud papa of Paris Latsis, on why his son's engagement to Paris Hilton has dissolved]. Trackback story here.

So now the wedding is off? Oh, I don't even care at this point.

Item: "I mean, everyone does it. I don't know why I'm the one who gets so much attention?" [Tara Reid, confessing -- to the shock of no one -- that she is surgically enhanced]. Trackback story here.

Ever since Reid's little boob mishap a while ago (pictured right, and a little drunk, I think), everyone was privy to her cosmetic surgery. People in attendance even claimed that they could see the surgery scars. So Reid's confession seems dated and futile at this point. It's like...when Britney Spears admitted that she wasn't a virgin. Yes, just like that.

She of Body Shots and Alone In the Dark fame continues, "I have so much love in my heart to give to someone one day, and I also want to be loved. I am crazy for kids." Only the first half of the last sentence is actually true.

Item: "Orange County Superior Court Judge John Conley ordered 26-year-old Skylar Deleon, who once starred in the "Power Rangers" TV series, and his wife, 24-year-old Jennifer Henderson Deleon, to stand trial for the murders after a two-day preliminary hearing in Santa Ana, south of Los Angeles" [Reuters, on the trial hearings for the murder of millionaire couple Thomas and Jackie Hawks]. Trackback story here.

If you've ever watched "Power Rangers," you might wonder which Ranger did the misdeed. At first glance, and with only a couple of blurry pictures floating around the net, I was convinced Deleon played the geeky ranger. You know, the one with the glasses. I think that was the Blue Ranger. But upon further investigation, it turns out that Reuters, like me, has a penchant for exaggeration. As it turns out, Deleon was an extra on several episodes of the "Power Rangers." Trackback the truth here. Which goes to show you that you can't always believe the news. Or an exuberant reporter who hates the "Power Rangers."

Item: "The Killers video guy was a very possessive, pompous, successful -- probably through illegitimate means --man, and was not used to not having his way" [sudden music video star Eric Roberts, on how he made up stuff on the set of "Mr. Brightside" in order to have some artistic direction]. Trackback story here.

Roberts also appeared in Mariah Carey's "It's Like That" and "We Belong Together" videos. Of that experience, Roberts says, "The Mariah Carey video guy was also a very wealthy man, probably much more wealthy than the Killers guy, and probably through mostly legitimate means. He also felt the presence of another man, but he thought he could overcome it by being a gentleman, but he couldn't. Which just goes to show you." Heh.

So anyway, this brought back memories because I do remember obsessing over Roberts' appearance on both videos (both being "Mr. Brightside" and "It's Like That") as I could have sworn it was the same guy but couldn't verify it, probably because I really had no idea who Eric Roberts was. I knew of him, more specifically as being Julia's estranged, no-good older brother. But I haven't actually seen him in anything, although he was supposed to be a very celebrated actor before the drugs and temper tantrums took over. So naturally, I thought he was Peter Coyote. Because I've seen Coyote in some films (A Walk to Remember. Yes, I saw it. Leave me be) and television shows ("The Inside"), I somewhat erroneously assumed that they must be the same person.

I have a knack for calling up resemblances that don't actually exist. I do it to random strangers all the time, and the usual response from a third party is a squint, a thoughtful glance, and a, "No, I don't see it." One of the above pictures is of Peter Coyote, and one is of Eric Roberts. Can you tell which is which?

Also, the other day I flipped on "Canadian Idol" and was shocked to see Canadian actress Sarah Polley rocking her heart out. "Go, Sarah!" I yelled at my television screen. But alas, it wasn't she of "Road to Avonlea" and Dawn of the Dead fame, but Kamloops, B.C. contestant Suzi Rawn. It's very obvious which one is Rawn and which one is Polley in the pictures to the right, since Rawn sports a very pink 'do and Polley wears very little make-up. But let's say that they were shooting a Disney after-school special about twin sisters who grow bored of their lifestyles and decide to swap identities for a week. Polley streaks her hair pink and joins a rock band; Rawn dons the red smock and does artsy films. Then it'd be plausible, right? Right?

I guess it is just me,

Thursday, August 18, 2005

It's Wacky Tom Cruise Thursday! (And other non-sensical news)

Item: Previously normal-seeming Tom Cruise has been romancing young starlet Katie Holmes. And unless you've taken an oath of silence somewhere up in the mountains, you already know this. Trackback the glorious highlights here.

Lately, boyfriend (who shall forever be known as Ben in this blog, as that is his name) and I have been taken up the fanatical sport of limerick-composing. To kill the lulls during work, we'll e-mail each other in complete limerick prose. I know -- we are so cool. And now you know Reason #432 of why I oftentimes refer to myself as crazy.

So while I was sitting in the waiting room, twiddling my thumbs until my doctor could grace me with her presence, I have composed my ode to Tom & Katie. Ahem. Here goes (note: to avoid painful bouts of experimental poetry, scroll down to the next item):

There once was a man named Cruise
Who apparently had a few screws loose
He fought against the Thetans
And claimed psychologists were heathens
Which makes made me suspect substance abuse

There once was a girl from the Creek
Who was shy, demure, and meek
She fell in love with a tiny man
Who surely had diabolical plans
And now she too is wacky, so to speak

It is painfully clear that I need to work on my limericking skills. But there is someone who makes fun of Tom Cruise way better than anyone I've ever seen. Trackback the Tom-bashing here.

There once was a show called "Rock Star: INXS"
The show, it tried to be a great success
But no one was paying attention
To give this badly designed show prevention
From getting panned by the audience and press

Trackback the slow ride to cancellation here.

Item: Scarlett Johansson fights back. She accuses producers of the box office flop, The Island, of "passing the buck" and not taking more responsibility for their role in the film's demise. She is steadfast in defending her performance in the film. As website By The Numbers reports, this sci-fi thriller "managed just $12.4 million [in its initial week] in more than 3,000 theaters. To put that in perspective, that's $4 million less than what Catwoman opened with during the same weekend last year and that film was widely regarded as a huge bomb." Damn, that's cold. Trackback the failure here.

Some might think Johanssen is trying to redeem her career before her "It Girl" status is dimpled away by Rachel McAdams for good. But since we never heard a peep from her regarding Eight Legged Freaks, it's safe to assume that Johanssen is just trying to prove that she can still act with a bad script. Which is true most of the time.

In other Johanssen news, she's rumoured to be dating the co-star of her latest project, Josh Hartnett. Trackback the sordid details here. Seems the two have been getting cozy on the set of the noir murder-mystery The Black Dahlia. If you know the real life story of The Black Dahlia murder, then you might agree that finding time to be sexy surrounded by such a gruesome story is next to impossible. Trackback the details of the film here.

As you recall, Johanssen dated actor Jared Leto, who dated one of the Olsen gremlins after hooking up with Cameron Diaz, who is now punching out photographers with the love of her life, Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake used to go with Britney Spears, who is now married to Kevin Ferderline, who was actually serious when he proposed his prepostorous idea of calling their yet-unborn son Kevin, Jr.

Item: One-hit-wonder Vanilla Ice puts out a new album. Trackback the greatest comeback ever here. And speaking of white rappers, Eminem is hospitalized for "exhaustion," which is a diplomatic way of saying sleeping-pill addiction. Trackback the dependency here.

Of the former, I will say that Vanilla Ice has drastically changed his tune since appearing on "The Surreal Life." On the show, Ice repented for his former bad-boy rapper ways and wanted to be known by his birth name, Robert van Pumpernickel. After winning his round on "Hit Me Baby One More Time," Ice seems to be keen on returning to fame and fortunes. Of course, the audience voting on "Hit Me Baby One More Time" were old enough to remember "Ice, Ice, Baby." Will today's youth be as receptive of someone named VANILLA ICE? I can't wait for the 50 Cent feud that is sure to arise.

Of the latter, I will say that picking on Mariah Carey can take a lot out of you.

Item: Memoirs of a Geisha is set to open in December. The film, based on latest book to receive the Hollywood treatment, is helmed by Rob Marshall and stars Ziyi Zhang (the actress formerly known as Zhang Ziyi) as the titular geisha. See why I'm so happy here.

Nitpicks aside, like the fact that 99% of the cast is not Japanese and Ziyi Zhang is, in fact, not the only Asian actress in the world besides Lucy Liu, I have been looking forward to the film since the announcement that it had been retrieved from studio limbo. It's one of my favourite books, and although the story can become maudlin or predictable at times, it's very well written. Trackback my complete thoughts on the book here.

I was also very pleased to see that her co-star from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Michelle Yeoh, is also starring. Yeoh is about ten times sexier than Zhang, but that's for another post. Also here to brighten my day is Ken Watanabe, the samurai from The Last Samurai, and the weird mountain guy from Batman Begins. In Memoirs of a Geisha, Watanabe is the elusive Chairman, the man who sends Sayuri's heart a-blazing. Watanabe can be the chairman of my board anytime, if you know what I mean.

Giving you a knowing look,

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Ashton Kutcher Gets Set to Procreate! (And other yucky news)

Item: Demi Moore had one too many cocktails at lunch and told Harper's Bazaar that she wants boyfriend Ashton Kutcher to give her little babies. The 42-year-old actress, who once sent hearts a-fluttering in sexy films like Ghost and Indecent Proposal, confessed that she is now entertaining the thought of starting her own family with stupid Ashton Kutcher. Trackback story here.

Demi is a pioneer when it comes to dating younger men in Hollywood. You had corpses like Harrison Ford and Jack Nicholson walking around with much-younger women, and no one bothered to bat an eyelash over it (possibly because they couldn't be seen: see Calista Flockhart, Lary Flynn Boyle). And then Moore comes out of retirement and hooks up with Kutcher, and suddenly the whole world is a-buzz with the news.


Moore gets props where props are due, but none from me since she decided to hook up with Kutcher. There are many of his single peers walking around, looking for a hot older woman to teach them the ways of love. Some are a little better looking, some a little more successful, some with more charisma, and a large number are just plain smarter. I'm not saying that Kutcher is none of these things (well, I did call him stupid up there, didn't I), but when you act like a chimpanzee in your interviews, it's hard not to see you in a certain light.

I've known him since he appeared as the himbo on "That 70's Show," but he garnered more credentials with his show, "Punk'd." Like I'm supposed to believe that he masterminded these gags all by himself. And Kutcher. On "Punk'd." Gives me heartburn. He's just so loud and obnoxious, and I'm not sure if it's a persona he's adopting, or if he's having some sort of medical crisis on camera. Either way, I find him neither endearing nor charming. I'd rather date Sean William Scott, so I think that says a lot about my feelings towards Kutcher.

If Moore is going to have babies with Kutcher, they aren't going to be all that bright. But they sure will be tall.

Item: Eminem is getting back at Mariah Carey because she pulled his hair or something and now he's playing her private voice messages at his concert. Carey is reportedly very nonplussed about the whole affair, and still maintains that she and Eminem never had a bootie call. Trackback story here.

I like a juicy hook-up story as much as the next person, but this Eminem/Mariah Carey thing has been blown to fantastically insipid proportions. It's like a really slow battle of wills on a children's playground. What's more sad is that I'm having a hard time forming an opinion on the matter. And that is so not me. (What we might agree is even more sad is the fact that that I'm devoting time to think about this.)

On one side, we've got songbird Carey. She's great because she's always doing kooky things and then putting out albums. I have to admit, I wished her ill on The Emancipation of Mimi, but it's turning out to be quite decent. Trackback the excellent review here. She's also friends with Da Brat.

On the other side, there's perpetually angry Eminem. I used to love Eminem precisely because he was so angry. Trackback my adoration
here. Then he put out Encore, and made me spend money on it just so I could hate it. It seems that every year that passes, Eminem regresses more into child-like behaviour that is not quite so endearing once you pass your teens (see: Ashton Kutcher). He's a father but acts like a infant. He has a daughter but is a big ol' misogynist. (Filler tidbit: the opposite of a "misogynist" is a "misandrist," or hater of the male sex.) He is probably not capable of having a functional relationship, aside from Dr. Dre.

I guess it doesn't really matter to me if Mariah Carey did throw herself at Eminem or not. It will never justify Eminem playing supposed voice mails and openly ridiculing her in arenas full of people. If this is a case of bruised ego, then Eminem needs to go cry to his mama about it. Or Dr. Dre. Whoever's available.

Item: For her upcoming (sucky) album, Ashlee Simpson wrote a mean song about Lindsay Lohan. In the song "Boyfriend," Simpson teases Lohan about stealing her boyfriend, Wilmer "I Just Don't See It" Valderrama. Although neither young ladies are currently with Valderrama, he did date Simpson immediately after dumping Lohan. Trackback story here.

Simpson is vehemently denying the rumours that her line, "I didn't steal your boyfriend," is aimed at Lohan. Now, now. The teen queens are good at this sort of thing -- starting feuds out of thin air with apparently very little cause or logic -- and the line could very well mean that Lohan sucks and she should just shut up. But it could also be, as Simpson claims, a generic line in a lackluster pop song that makes no sense at all. Only time will tell, but who will buy the album to see?

Didn't Wilmer Valderrama also date pop princess Hilary "Veneers Gone Wrong" Duff? That boy gets around. And the incestuous implications of that lead me to say: ew.

Item: The Pussycat Dolls ruined my viewing of The Teen Choice Awards. Yes, I saw some of it. Leave me be.

Okay. There are like twenty of them in one group. I just don't get it. One sings, but what do the other girls do?

I seriously thought I had time-traveled to 1995. But something had malfunctioned in my time machine, and I was watching the S Club 7 made up of Spice Girls.

My curiosity led me to read up on this group. Trackback what I saw here. Their list of guest singers is quite impressive, but I'm still not convinced that they're now a real group. Because ONE OF THEM SINGS. And the rest act as backup dancers, which is a novel concept if you want to save some money on roadies and whatnot. But since one person sings, it can't really be considered a group, can it?

I suppose I could buy their album and find out if any other girl actually does anything besides gyrating her hips around and "oohing" a couple of lines. But I'm too lazy. And cheap.

Not wishing my girlfriend was a freak,

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Britney Spears Is Fat! (And other obvious news)

Item: Christina Aguilera says Britney Spears "has let herself go." According to the Sun, prophetic Aguilera claims that Spears has lost her skanky image and will never be taken seriously as a pop ho again. As Spears readies herself to mother the anti-Christ, Aguilera will undoubtedly try to usurp her for the title. Trackback story here.

I know this piece of "news" has been out for a while, but I think it's worth mentioning, especially when Aguilera has obviously never followed the philosophy that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. Which is all very well and good if you're rich and bored and need to pick on other people on your down time. I think Aguilera misses the point that when you're pregnant, you're going to gain a few pounds. After all, you are CARRYING ANOTHER HUMAN INSIDE YOU.

Also, it's worth mentioning because, as any non-blind person could tell you, it's safe to say that Aguilera has been letting herself go long before Spears even hooked up with douchebag Kevin Federline. See the nice "BEFORE" picture at an awards show where Spears and Aguilera were forced to present together. Spears looks like an Amazon next to Aguilera. This is Aguilera before her "Dirrty" phase, when she's just beginning to "explore" her sexuality or whatever. This is Spears before her "Chaotic" television show, where we were subjected to her love for Cheetos and other cheesy things, like Federline. I have to say, though, Spears looked a mess in "Chaotic." She did kind of let herself go, if by "let herself go" we mean it in a hygienic sense.

Now we come to the "AFTER" picture, where Aguilera has seen better days. Now who's the Amazon? In fact, Spears actually looks a little better than Aguilera here. I mean, they're both very healthy looking by normal-people standards, but by Hollywood standards they're what we might call "big boned." Although, Spears is, oh, I don't know...CARRYING ANOTHER HUMAN INSIDE OF HER, so the weight gain is very normal. (Hygiene, not so much.) Aguilera, on the other hand, is just bigger. This might be because in Spears' picture, she's wearing an outfit that flatters her body, but if Aguilera insists on not knowing how to dress herself, I'm certainly not going to cut her a break.

Spears' and Aguilera's feud is as ancient as time itself, and yet I've never really heard how it started. But once I did, it was so natural that I didn't really stop to question it. For some reason, everyone who's ever been on "The Mickey Mouse Club" comes to hate one another. Spears has reportedly tried to reach out to Aguilera to end the feud. Who does she think she is, Eminem? Trackback story here.

And then later in the week we hear that Madonna is planning to attend Aguilera's wedding, and that Spears isn't so pleased. I don't really care either way; having Madonna at your wedding isn't exactly the most valuble thing you could be experiencing ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. But wait, didn't Aguilera dis Madonna at one point? I don't know about you, but saying, "These people aren't artists, they're just performers - fake and superficial," would make me a little upset. And I'm not even Madonna. Trackback story here.

That silly Aguilera, she's good times all around.

Item: Jennifer Aniston is NOT a victim. She's so not a victim that she tells Vanity Fair all about how she's not a victim. Trackback story here.

It never came as a shock that Brad Pitt would hook up with Angelina Jolie. In fact, I think I'd be surprised if he didn't try to dip his pen in the inkwell, if you know what I mean. They're a very pretty couple. So pretty that I think I got kind of blinded when I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

But Aniston is a victim. She's a victim of the rumour-mill, she's a victim of the tabloids (which manage to publish every unflattering picture she's ever taken), she's a victim of cuckolded women everywhere. Her need to let us know that she's not a victim makes it that much more obvious that she wants us to think she's a victim so we can hate everyone who's ever wronged her.

I think the only person who I really care about in this story is Angelina Jolie. This is because she's a great actress (Tomb Raider films aside), she's sexy in a very curvaceous and confident way, she's a samaritan without rubbing it in our faces, and she is a little bit crazy. Aniston is okay, as far emaciated actresses in Hollywood go. As far as acting goes, she's always playing Rachel Green, even when she's not supposed to be Rachel Green. Brad Pitt earns an "eh" from me. He's very handsome, yes, but in a bland way. People agree he's a good actor, although I suspect these people have conveniently glossed over the two-and-a-half hours that is Troy. He comes from the blank-vessel school of acting. He's like a pod waiting to be filled with substance, and depending on what he gets, he either gives a very involved performance, or just glides through the film to collect his final paycheck.

The photospread in W Magazine was a bit much, that I have to give Aniston. She glosses over the article in her interview, and admits that she found it in bad taste. What were they thinking? "If we do a photospread TO PROMOTE OUR SPY MOVIE in which we are depicted as a 1950s couple playing with our happy family and having steamy sex in our oppressed bedroom, that will throw everyone off the scent of our torrid affair." Yeah. I bet that was Pitt. Trackback the infamous Vanity Fair interview here.

Aniston should take a page from Nicole Kidman's divorce to the Mad Hatter and use this as a way to carve her career as a individual, not as someone who is married to People's Sexiest Man Alive. (Of course, it's doubtful that Pitt will get his like the Mad Hatter is getting it right now. And Angelina Jolie vs. Katie Holmes is not even worth mentioning.)

But alas, Aniston isn't dwelling (outside of various interviews, of course). She's moving on and going to therapy and immersing herself with work and hanging out with Courtney Cox-Arquette (as she tells us in interviews). One day she's sneaking into Vince Vaughn's trailer, the next she's flying to L.A. to visit Owen Wilson, then she's sneaking some more into Vince Vaughn's trailer. Now, no one can really compare to the celebrity that is Pitt, but Vaughan seems to be a decent rebound. If she can convince him to get some sleep, I'll give her even more props.

Item: VH1 Divas are crazy.

Has anyone ever noticed the combined insanity that goes on when VH1 decides to put together one of their Divas specials? It's like being on this show just zaps the sanity right out of you.

Some mentionables:
Celine Dion (1998): Yup, she's crazy.
Mariah Carey (1998): Public meltdowns, revamped skanky image, hit on Eminem, hospitalized for "exhaustion." All the actions of the crazy.
Whitney Houston (1999): Married Bobby Brown and smoked some crack. Perhaps not in that order.
Cher (1999): A slave to plastic surgery. The most mistaken-for-dead celebrity in the world. Once married to Sonny Bono. Bad fashion sense. But she did win an Oscar, so we'll just call her "eccentric."
Mary J. Blige (1999): No straightforward exhibits of the crazy, but many schizophrenic tantrums. She won't hesitate to cut you with a blunt knife, either.
Diana Ross (2000): Wanders around in a drug-induced haze. Felt up Lil' Kim's boob. Perhaps not in that order.
Jessica Simpson (2004): Ignorance can sometimes be mistaken for crazy.

Crazy but not a diva,

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Prologue

I just don't "blog."

This reluctance to blogging kind of mirrors that of the "badass" in a sitcom or family drama who just doesn't "dance." For the duration of the episode, he'll just stand around with his arms folded and tell his girly girlfriend that he can't take her to homecoming because that's not his "thing." He'll dance, all right, in the privacy of his room, so that we can see that he's not really a badass, but simply a bad dancer borne out of Steve Urkel’s DNA. He’ll take secret dance lessons from his sister/mother/next-door neighbour, and with five minutes left in the episode, he’ll show up at the dance to sweep his girlfriend off her feet.

Much like the leaden-footed badass, I too must let go and embrace this blog thing. Otherwise, a little voice inside my head will tell me, “I’m hungry.” And the other voice will say, “You can’t pan it until you try it.”

But I digress (which will no doubt be a recurring theme here). The guys at Afrotoronto were lovely enough to host this on their website, and because they’re such cool guys, I could only say yes. I think it’s pretty nice that they allow me to express myself in this space when I’m not otherwise using up their bandwidth talking about the second most important thing in my life:

I’m not used to having to edit myself, so this will probably be a long and arduous journey. But, as with all things in life, the journey will be made sweeter by the people in it. So I encourage you to post comments and feedback whenever you feel like it, even if it’s to tell me off or to point out a spelling mistake. You know, I’d do it too.

So until next post, I guess I'll be signing off.

Hope you’re still awake,