I Don't Know How to Ride A Bike... <BR>(and other ramblings): September 2005

I Don't Know How to Ride A Bike...
(and other ramblings)

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Kate Moss Can Do Five Lines of Cocaine in 40 Minutes! (And other apparent news)

Item: Model Kate Moss' advertising campaign has been dropped by the ubiquitous H&M clothing store because of published and incriminating photos showing Moss doing lines of cocaine at an after-hours party. At first, H&M responded to the photos by claiming that they would still go ahead with Moss, but a day later dropped her like a (much-publicized) bad habit. Trackback story here.

Moss is also a spokesperson for Chanel, who proceeded to not renew her contract after Moss 'fessed up to her penchant for snorting things that are bad for you. Trackback the dis here.

Wait...Kate Moss does cocaine? Is the earth swallowing itself up as we speak? Are locusts about to descend upon us? Or is my sarcasm enough to relay that this comes as no surprise whatsoever? It's just as surprising as learning that George Bush, once again -- and during a crisis, has dropped the ball in his usual fantastically buffonish manner. I would've pegged Moss for a snorter as soon as she emerged onto the supermodel scene and made waif chic again; the waif look is the equivalent of the 1980's heroin chic, but without the nasty drug-related connotations. The picture to the left of Moss was taken quite early in her career, and she looks a bit like a walking skeleton-child who hasn't slept or eaten in years. As we've learned, long-term use of cocaine can deplete appetite and cause constipation, not to mention nasty bloodshot eyes and a perpetual haze. The picture on the right, however, is more recent and depicts a healthier looking Kate who looks quite sexy with her come-hither glance. But then again, the picture might have also been taken amidst a cocaine binge, so what do I know.

Item: The ratings are in, and Martha Stewart's "The Apprentice" premiered to a lackluster audience turnout. Even the Emmys bested Martha, and they usually suck. Trackback story here.

To add insult to injury, Martha's Apprentice was beat by a clip show of "Lost" on Wednesday, and that wasn't even a real episode.

I did manage to catch the first episode, and it wasn't half bad. It was a retread of Donald Trump's "The Apprentice," no doubt, but with a kindler, amiable Stewart running the show instead to rickety Trump and his bad toupée. Still, "You just don't fit in" will take some adjusting to, especially since it sounds so high-schoolish and conformist that I dread to think about how Martha came about thinking up such a playground taunt. Does she mean that the person doesn't fit in at her company, or in society in general?

Which brings me to the contestants, who are in their usual top form. Of note: Bethenny (34), natural foods chef, is most famous for dating the son of the guy who sits in the boardroom with Martha and tells her who should go home. In the first episode, Bethenny has established herself as an independent thinker with morals, but if you stare hard enough, her heavily hooded eyes kind of look dead inside. Jim (36), ad executive, brings the crazy. He's got a short temper and managed to alienate his team in five seconds. Everyone calls him a "loose cannon" because they can't think of a more creative way to say that he is so not a team player, but as simplistic as it sounds, it's true. And in his cast photo, he looks like actor Nicky Katt. Not that Katt is crazy. Howie (33), independent fashion company owner (called Priorities, for anyone interested), is charismatic and smooth. He read a not-very-good story to little kids and engaged their short attention span throughout. He's good so far, but the editing might be in his favour. Dawn (33), PR consultant, is like the woman at your work place that is utterly humorous and is constantly complaining about something. Give her a minute, and she'll tell you about her painful root canal, in detail. When given the task of writing copy for a children's book, Dawn requested to be left alone and then proceeded to bitch about the volume in the team's boardroom, although it was apparent that her teammates were going out of their way to curb their noise levels. Not good under pressure = an eventual meltdown = good ratings = a longer lifespan than she really deserves. And Marcela (27), cooking instructor, is the resident cutie. Although she's only uttered about five lines in the first show, the camera crew really loves her. I bet they'll make her answer the phone in her tank top and shorts as much as possible.

At least Martha's show is doing marginally better than "Head Cases," which was given the boot by FOX after a mere two episodes. Trackback the cancellation here. The time slot will be devoted to better shows like..."Nanny 911"? Poor Chris O'Donnell -- it's been a while since he's been able to catch a break.

Strongly suspecting that FOX never learns,

Thursday, September 01, 2005

My CoW! (And other drool-worthy news)

Item: FOX's "Prison Break" had a solid debut, easily taking the majority of the coveted 18-49 demographic in its Monday night time slot. But then again, nothing much else was on. Trackback story here.

This piece of good news means that "Prison Break" will likely stick around this season, thus allowing me to get a season's worth of Wentworth Miller (no pun intended). Coincidentally, Miller is my CoW, or Crush of the Week.

I think I have developed a woman-crush on Miller, who previously co-starred in The Human Stain with Anthony Hopkins and Nicole Kidman. Not that Miller actually shared any scenes with those two in the film, but the name alone on that particular marquee was impressive enough to land him a starring role in this high-concept, semi-clichéd prison drama. Before The Human Stain, Miller was seen in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (have the episode on DVD, which is excellent), "Dinotopia" (?), and 2003's Underworld (cannot remember him at all -- or much of the film, actually).

His acting on "Prison Break" is still questionable -- there are much better expressions than "brooding" and "confused" and "smirky" -- but for such a fast-paced show with little time for soliloquies or soul-searching, it's good. This might sound shallow, but I'm not really in it to see his acting skills, if you know what I mean. He oozes sex appeal on camera, which will get you everywhere. See the above picture, and the way he man-handles the camera with his squinty eyes and still manages to look sexy with that awful wool sweater-thing. Plus, he graduated with an English degree from Princeton, and isn't afraid to use proper grammar. He can edit my work any time.

Item: In another random Hollywood coupling, Neo has hooked up with Annie Hall. Keanu Reeves and Diane Keaton both co-starred in 2003's Something's Gotta Give. Trackback the love story here.

It seems Reeves has had a thing for Keaton for quite some time now, and is smitten (just smitten!) with the older actress. Only time will tell if this is a good thing, or a crazy Katie-Holmes type of "smitten."

Now that love seems to be in the air, here's a random poll: which is the hook-up du jour?
a) Diane Keaton & Keanu Reeves
b) Rachel McAdams & Ryan Gosling
c) Scarlett Johansson & Josh Hartnett
d) Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
e) Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston
f) Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner
g) Beyoncé & Jay-Z
h) Christine & Wentworth Miller

Okay, I made the last one up. Sadly, I have a boyfriend who can also rock the weird sweater-thing look, so Miller and I can never be. (My vote goes to Keaton & Reeves, for the sheer weirdness of it. Okay, Reeves doesn't look like the brightest bulb in the world...how the heck do they manage conversation? Please, no dirty jokes.)

Item: Rumours abound that Martha Stewart's catch phrase will be, "You just don't fit in." But this is only speculation -- Stewart and "The Apprentice" producer Mark Burnett are keeping mum about the whole thing, even about whether or not they will introduce a catch phrase. See the unveiled cast of "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart" here.

Let's hope that this is just a rumour, and that Stewart will finally pioneer the first competitive reality show without a catch phrase. After enduring a summer's worth of "You're not on the list," or "You're out of style," it's becoming trying to watch these shows with a straight face. Half of these haphazardly thrown together "unscripted" shmucks don't even make sense (ahem, "The Scholar"), let alone garner a catch phrase. Although, if someone said things like, "You're terribly stupid!" or "You smell!," I might tune in. At least those things might be true.

Stewart is also going to be hosting her own daytime "lifestyles" show. I don't even know what that means. Trackback story here. Also, Stewart finally got to take off her ankle bracelet, as she has completed her house arrest term. I'm just wondering what she can fashion out of that. Maybe we have to tune in to her show to find out.

(Apparently, Stewart's daughter is going to be sitting in as a member of her execution board...talk about nepotism. And how traumatizing would it be to have Martha Stewart as your mother? And that's not all...trackback more here.)

Now that Stewart's a free woman, there's no stopping her. Although someone really should.

Shaking my fist really boisterously,