I Don't Know How to Ride A Bike... <BR>(and other ramblings): October 2005

I Don't Know How to Ride A Bike...
(and other ramblings)

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Janet Jackson Has A What-Now? (And other unbelievable news)

Item: Singer/actress/Superbowl shunned/Jermaine Dupri lovah Janet Jackson has a secret 18-year old daughter. The daughter, Renee, has been living -- in utter anonymity, apparently -- with eldest Jackson sister Rebbie. Trackback the conception here.

The story initially broke out on Friday, when Young DeBarge made an appearance on New York radio station WQHT-FM. Young is the brother of James DeBarge, ex-member of 1980's group DeBarge, and who married Jackson in 1984. A year later, their marriage was annulled when allegations surfaced that DeBarge was a candidate for a Very Special Dr. Phil "Deadbeat Husbands" Episode. During this brief union, many speculated that Jackson was pregnant, but this was adamantly refuted by the Jacksons (except for LaToya, who was never taken seriously because the woman is kooky). Now, these speculations seem to be true.

(Author's note: I haven't been able to verify if the above picture is, in fact, Renee Jackson, but since she's just materialized out of nowhere, we can just pretend that it is.)

Except...Jackson was 18 years old during her marriage to DeBarge, in 1984. In order for Renee to be 18 now, she would have had to be born in 1987, leaving a three year gap. I'm not sure whether Jackson was still seeing DeBarge after their failed marriage, but it doesn't seem likely. And it also doesn't seem likely that she was pregnant for years, or that there was a rip in the time-space continuum that allowed Renee to stay 0 years old for three years. Am I missing something in this saga? I probably am. Jackson is insanely secretive, as we've come to know and, as of late, she hasn't exerted the best judgment -- just look at Jermaine Dupri. Why, Janet, why? I really wish she would tell us.

Item: John Travolta turned down the role of James Bond. Yes, he was a candidate. Trackback the eyebrow raise here.

As Travolta explains, "James Bond is one of the most dynamic roles in history, and also one of the most extreme and career defining commitments an actor can make. After very careful consideration I feel that James Bond might not be the best vehicle for me to commit to at this point."

I just can't picture Travolta as Bond. I don't doubt his acting skills or his ability to rock a suit, but Travolta isn't the smoothest or the most charismatic man out there. Neither is he very convincing as a gadget-loving, cunning spy. (The closest to "smooth" that I can remember Travolta doing is in Face/Off, but then again, he is playing Nicholas Cage, who is playing an evil, evil man.) I'd trust him to dance in a white leisure suit...or sing at a carnival while sporting leather pants...or have deep conversations with Samuel L. Jackson about Big Macs...or play a hairy Vulcan-like giant set to take over Earth...or a shady con man who can somehow have the likes of Halle Berry on his side. (I never said the man wasn't versatile.) But what I can't picture is Travolta sipping a martini whilst bedding Angelina Jolie, who is reportedly being wooed for a chance to play a Bond girl.

Fans around the world have sent Travolta scripts of Casino Royale, the next installment in the series. Travolta is flattered, but is considering other projects. And the new Bond, Daniel Craig (who, as you might remember if you scroll down, bedded Sienna Miller -- oh, those crazy Brits!), has been voted as the blandest James Bond yet. These Bond fans, you can't please them.

Off to ponder the existence of Ashlee Simpson,

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Sienna Miller Is NOT That Innocent! (And other feuding news)

Item: British actress Sienna Miller has admitted to infidelity with her Layer Cake co-star, Daniel Craig. As we may have heard about a thousand times, Miller and her fiancé, Jude Law, had only recently reconciled after he lusted, repeatedly, for his children's nanny. Trackback the double-cross here.

Apparently, "close" sources to Law say that he is livid and has kicked Sienna out of their shared loft...or house...or mansion...or wherever it is that rich actors live. To add icing to the cake, Craig is one of Law's oldest and dearest friends. Well, then. I suppose the nanny might be a free-for-all, but a friend is just crossing the line here. I don't condone cheating at all, but I do appreciate all the karma that is going around.

Now, if I were a body language expert of any kind, or lived next-door to one, I could easily have predicted this waaaay before anyone ever laid the moves on anyone else. Exhibit A (on the left): A random picture I found on the Internet. See the way that Law is staring at something off-camera, sticking his tongue out? Well, that's the universal body sign for "I want to shlup my children's nanny right this moment." And the way his shirt is opened, forming a V-shape where his chest meets the shirt -- that's the universal pimp sign of a man looking for a good time. Put them together, and it's pretty clear he wasn't being very faithful. Now, Miller is sitting very close to Law, which is always a good sign (in the very least, we can assume that he doesn't smell offensive on this particular day). But the way she places her hand deliberately near hear head suggests that she is putting some distance between them; that, or she doesn't want him to see that she is clearly transfixed on something else, and we might as well just assume that it was probably Daniel Craig, trying to signal to her for a quickie. Her vacant stare is the universal sign for a "Yeah, why not?"

Craig is not only Miller's latest conquest, but he's also been tapped to play the next James Bond. Trackback the legacy here. I know many a-website were having heated debates about who the next James Bond would be, and because Craig hasn't really broken into the mainstream North American market (The Jacket doesn't count), many were surprised for the pick -- or perhaps appalled, if they had already envisioned someone else as Bond. I think Craig deserves the benefit of the doubt, and has already appeared in over 30 films. Plus, he has gotten rave reviews as a cocaine dealer in Layer Cake. (Do you recognize the actor on the far right? That's Colm Meaney, who played Chief Miles O'Brien on "Star Trek: The Next Generation." He rocked.) I haven't personally seen Layer Cake, but apparently Craig rocks the "XXXX" name better than Vin Diesel, and Diesel only had three x's in his name.

Item: Paris Hilton has ruffled Mary-Kate Olsen's feathers by gallivanting about town with her ex-boyfriend, billionaire heir-wunderboy Stavros Niarchos. Yeah, I don't really know who he is either. The dark-haired half of the millionaire twins feels betrayed by Hilton. Like that's a first. Trackback the drama here.

I wanted to post this story last week, but I figured that one tweenage feud per week was my cap. So let's pretend that this just happened.

Hilton insists the pair are "just friends" and is happy living the single life. In the same soundbite, she hints that her ex-fiancé, Paris something-or-other, cheated on her during his bachelor party. Although I wish she would eat a piece of bread or pick up a book once in a while, I don't really feel one way or another about Paris Hilton. But I can say that even though she has a new boyfriend every five seconds and is addicted to making sex tapes (and news has yet to break out that she goes the way of Sienna Miller), she can't really be blamed for this Olsen feud -- after all, Olsen and Niarchos are broken up. The worst I can attribute to Hilton is bad form for hanging out with a friend's ex, but nothing is inherently wrong with that. And I can't believe I just stuck up for Paris Hilton.

It seems nowadays, no one wants to hang out with Hilton anymore. The entertainment pages at myway.com list Sophia Bush, Jessica Simpson, Hilary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, and a slew of other like-minded, pseudo-celebrity, party-going waifs, among those that have shunned Hilton. We know why Richie is no longer in the picture (mmm hmm) but...wait, is that Hilary Duff? How did she get on the list? I thought the girl never went out. Also in other Hilton-related news, "The Simple Life" has been cancelled. Trackback the tragedy here.

At least Hilton will always have Tara Reid. Which makes me feel just a bit sadder for some reason...

But I'm elated that I'm not carrying Tom Cruise's spawn,

Monday, October 03, 2005

Hilary Duff Keeps It Real! (And other preposterous news)

Item: In yet another pointless "feud," it seems that Kelly Clarkson and Hilary Duff are going head-to-head...sort of. Clarkson, not one to shy away from bad jokes, told Entertainment Weekly that she'd like to get in a ring with Duff, who is also a Texan. Not one to shy away from things that are totally none of his business, Benji Madden of Good Charlotte wrote a scathing message on his blog. Yes, even musicians like to blog. Trackback the drama here.

It doesn't matter that Benji Madden is the brother of bandmate Joe Madden -- you know, the guy who is actually dating Duff -- or that, in the same interview, Clarkson added that she would like to get into a ring with Beyonce Knowles, also a fellow Texan. What matters is that Hilary Duff's good name has been soiled, dammit! And that before all this, Benji Madden was heavily overshadowed by his brother's romance with the teen queen. Well, now we know his name.

On the infamous blog message, which has been removed, Madden said:
"My mom told me if I didn't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all, so I won't say 'Amercian Idol' sux, but it does make me laugh when someone like Kelly Clarkson disses someone like Hilary Duff...Let's not forget Kelly (BTW-Kanye West thinks u have a nice a--, I saw him look at it one time ... me, I prefer the more fit look), you were a 'contestant' on a TV show. Hilary made herself."

Now, I don't know what Kanye West has to do with this, but I do know that someone is obviously VERY overprotective of Duff's good name. Perhaps it's unrequited love? But before we get into any speculation, it's best to note that Madden said that Duff has "made herself."

I don't want to nitpick with semantics, but some might dispute what Duff has supposedly "made" (and I'm assuming this has nothing to do with the Mafia). Some might argue that Duff also seems very manufactured; that her image is her saving grace precisely because it's so unrealistically constructed as to seem genuine. Some might point out that Clarkson has enjoyed success outside of her first "American Idol" single, and has worked with the likes of Avril Lavigne and Chantal Kreviazuk. Some might assume that Duff will stop enjoying success once she passes the age of 25 and can no longer cater herself to her tween market, while Clarkson has already established herself as a cross-over artist. Some might even be petty enough to say that Clarkson can take on Duff anytime. But me? I'm staying mum.

Item: "The Surreal Life" is back on Much More Music. And while Americans have already enjoyed the fifth season of the show, Canadians are now privy to the inner workings of housemates such as Janice Dickinson ("America's Next Top Model"), Sandra Denton (Salt N' Pepa), Omarossa Manigault Stallworth ("The Apprentice") and Bronson Pinchot ("Perfect Strangers"). Trackback other cast bios here.

"The Surreal Life" is one of my guilty pleasures, so I was very happy to finally have something new to watch after a summer of Season 4 reruns (which, coincidentally, were very boring despite the "romance" between Adrienne and Peter Brady...whose real name escapes me at the moment). But the real draw of this season is pitting Omarossa and Janice Dickinson against one another. Usually, "Surreal Life" doesn't cast more than one unbalanced person in the house, so this should be good. My money's on Dickinson. She's high-maintenance and she knows it, and for that I can't fault her. (Although I'm a little put off by the fact that she looks like the type that would cut you in your sleep.) Omarossa, on the other hand, is purely delusional. For a great Janice interview at the height of her bitchiness, click here.

In the first night that the castmates spent together, Janice was rudely grabbed by Bronson and officially had the first freak-out of the season, citing an intolerance for perverts. I tried to find a picture of the alleged groping, but all I could find was the one above. And that was so not in the episode that I watched. Also of note is the fact that the women seem to be drooling over fellow castmate and ex-baseball player, Jose Canseco. Now, I don't know much about baseball, but I do know that Canseco looks a tiny bit gross after all his steroid-taking. Still, the man can work the hairy chest, which previews seem to show drive the women into a frenzy. You'd think they were stuck in that house for years, not the mere week or so that is actually filmed.

Item: Sometimes I blab on and on about nothing in particular. So, to show that a picture is worth a thousand words, and to shut up for once, here's this.

Off to veg out to primetime,