I Don't Know How to Ride A Bike... <BR>(and other ramblings): November 2005

I Don't Know How to Ride A Bike...
(and other ramblings)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Christina Aguilera Gets Shafted...Again! (And no other news)

Item: Is it me, or does Christina Aguilera get shafted everytime she goes head-to-head with Britney Spears?

It would come as no surprise that the blonde popsters are repeatedly subjected to comparison and scrutiny oftentimes, since they both seemed to appear on the scene at roughly the same time, are blonde and ex-"Mickey Mouse" members, and were first marketed as virginal archetypes that quickly progressed into slutty porn queens over one long summer.

Personally, I've always preferred Aguilera's voice over Spears', but I haven't been able to stand many of Aguilera's songs. I've suspected that if Aguilera had a better song-writing team, she would have blown up much faster and much more fantastically than Spears (as it stands, "Genie In A Bottle" is not "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)"). But unfortunately, this hasn't been the case. Spears has outsold Aguilera repeatedly, has had more face time in the tabloids and papers, and even on her day off lounging by her pool, eating Cheetos and drinking Red Bull, has held more interest than Aguilera. It's like Aguilera is the redheaded step-sister that just yearns to break free from her blonde, buxom cheerleader sister. I remember hearing more about Spears and her off-screen life than Aguilera's new album. (Fortunately, Spears' last tour, Onyx Hotel, sucked almost as much as Ashanti singing live, so it's not always roses for her, either.)

I haven't always held this theory, or thought about it so much to garner an essay on it. That is, until the infamous MTV Music Awards several years ago, where both singers performed with Madonna and shared a liplock on stage. The next day, papers and tabloids were going crazy with the news of Spears and Madonna whorin' it up at the show (and Justin Timberlake's well-timed reaction shot). It wasn't until later in the week that I heard that Aguilera had also involved herself in the shenanigans. Apprently, and in pure hearsay, Aguilera was less than pleased at the turn of events, and the lack of publicity for her own stunt. I mean, she kissed a woman, and still no once cared! (Example: When I Googled "christina aguilera + madonna kiss," the first page of image results yielded an equal amount of Spears kissing Madonna pictures [some in great close-up] as it did Aguilera herself.) What's a girl to do to get attention around here?

And now People's December 9th issue has a huge feature on Spears and Kevin Federline's first Thanksgiving with Sean Preston. But...what's that in the corner? Ack, Aguilera's wedding, which just occurred on November 19, is regaled to the corner in a small blurb, while Brit's giant head looks out as us from the cover! Now, I don't really care about either, but isn't a wedding more interesting than Thanksgiving with the most dysfunctional, trashy couple in America? Where's the love for Aguilera and the wedding congratulations?!? Couldn't they give her a cover the following week?

Shrugging my shoulders profusely,

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Colin Farrell Is Too Famous! (And other people are as well)

I am guilty of being a blogger deadbeat, so I decided to update a little. Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to really put together a regular post since winter is setting in and making me lazier than usual. This is an item I originally wrote for happygrrls.com, and here it is in all its unedited glory. (Please excuse the rambling and such.)

Item: Some people are too famous
-- but not in the sense that they are too well-known. Well, okay, in that sense. But also in the sense that they are undeservedly too well-known. And here are just some who might be too famous for our own good.

Paris Hilton
: Paris fills her days with shopping and slutty inclinations. The only thing she has going for her is the Hilton family name, which she's only earned by birth. But we no longer live in a feudal system! Just like Lizzie Grubman, I have no idea as to how or why people are so widely regarded simply because they have a wild party-goer reputation. Paris has had her share of non-slutty endeavors (a book, a TV show here and there, some film time) but is still most widely renowned for her badly lit porn videos and man-boy conquests, which were a precursor, not result of, her more legit endeavors. She also has a dog that is fairly famous for doing nothing (I mean, Lassie never got any expensive doggie clothes, and she did a heck of a lot more than Tinkerbell). How many vapid blondes would kill for the chance to fill Paris' shoes?

Kevin Federline: The Cheetos aren't doing any wonders for Kevin's complexion, and neither is his burgeoning rap career. Kevin, formerly known as the dancer who knocks up women during commercials, is now known as Mr. Britney Spears. First, marrying Britney Spears is no big feat - heck, you can smell her neediness from a mile away; and second, marrying Britney Spears is not even in the same universe as, say, heavy petting with Halle Berry. Nevertheless, everyone got what they wanted out of this unholy union: Britney has a lil' bundle of joy who has to love her, no matter what, and Kevin has the leverage to put out bad rap albums and sleep with skanky fame whores. I mean, skanky fame whores who aren't him. So everybody wins!

Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos: Both were victims of the trend-of-the-week (millionaire heirs and blonde starlet couplings), and lived to tell about it. But besides this, there isn't much else that these two actually do. For further explanation, please see Paris Hilton.

Brandon Davis: Ditto for you, Mr. Oil Heir. Dating Mischa Barton and having your picture in the tabloids as you caress her bony body and shove your tongue down her throat does not constitute an actual worth. And Mischa Barton isn't that famous.

Tara Reid: I know Tara Reid is an actress and pays for her own bills, but a quick rundown of her resume indicates that her roles are as important in this world as those little rings that you put around three-holed paper to keep the pages together. Josie and the Pussycats? Van Wilder? My Boss' Daughter? Not that great. I do, however, give kudos to Reid for befriending someone who may possibly be at her intellectual level (Paris Hilton, of course) and getting her start on "Saved By The Bell: The New Class." Let's not forget the American Pie series, although she was conspicuously absent for the third and final installment. But let's forget her weak attempt at becoming a pseudo-celebrity by trying to name a show after herself ("Taradise") and failing miserably. Even the E! Network can't buy into that crap.

Colin Farrell: Some people might find Farrell attractive - and he is blessed with a good set of rugged genes - but even fewer would ever admit to watching any of his films. Let's see, there's: American Outlaws, Phone Booth, S.W.A.T., Alexander. Blockbusters which did feature Farrell, like Minority Report and Daredevil, were widely lauded for things besides Farrell, who could have easily been replaced by a potato sack for all the good he did to bring in the sales. His philandering ways have garnered him more press than his actual acting. For once, I'd like to see Farrell step away from his own over-inflated ego (and, as rumoured by early screenings of A Home at the End of the World, his other over-inflated parts) and concentrate on his career.

Omarion/Marques Houston/Mario: They're the new breed of boy-band, except there's only one of them and they specialize in overly stylized generic R&B ballads instead of overly stylized generic pop ballads. Until one of them becomes the next Usher, they're all too interchangeable and too overplayed on BET's "106 & Park" to be taken seriously as a force to be reckoned with - although, seriously, any one of them could be more famous than irritating Bow Wow.

Did anyone see The American Music Awards? (I didn't get to see it due to my penchant for spontaneous napping.) Good...bad..or just plain boring? And...is anyone actually planning to buy the R. Kelly "Trapped In the Closet" DVD extravaganza set?

Happy Thanksgiving to our neighbours to the south,

Monday, November 07, 2005

Britney Spears Loses Mother of the Year Award! (And other tabloidlicious news)

Item: Tabloids are having a field day with Brit-Brit's relationship with husband and Cheetos-lover Kevin Federline, who seems to have abandoned the new mother in hopes of hooking up with other desperate women and starting a career as a rap artist. In a strange twist of events, Britney Spears has finally grown a brain and has reportedly temporarily separated from Federline. Trackback the story here.

Apparently, and unsurprisingly, Spears has had a hard time coping with motherhood. Reports surfaced that Brit has fired about nine thousand nannies since brining her child home; Federline is off partying while Brit stays at home pretending to change diapers; Shar Jackson, Federline's ex and mother of his two children, has the last laugh as she tells Sister 2 Sister Magazine, "How do you call yourself a human being knowing that you put somebody else through that pain [of being cheated on]?" as Brit sits at home, contemplating her douchebag of a husband's whereabouts and watching "Chaotic" on DVD. (While Britney was off "falling in love" and being obnoxious with Kevin on her European tour, Shar Jackson was left back at home, barefoot and pregnant with Federline's second child, so I see where Jackson's coming from.) In another tabloid story that may or may not be true but sounds suspiciously believable, Kevin brings home a demo of his song, "Y'all Ain't Ready" (he's so right, if the song is as bad as people have reported) and Britney ridicules his pathetic attempts at being a hip-hop star (in his defense, has anyone heard Britney rap? It's as pretty as her singing) -- causing a massive fight as Kevin asks for $100 so he can go drown his sorrows at the local strip joint.

In the above scan, an unknown paper (to me, since I forgot to take down the credit) printed a news item of Britney Spears' mad mothering skills. (Blogger should really notify me when I'm overriding a file...let's just use our imaginations.) In the small picture in the corner, Britney arrives in LA via private jet, but forgets that she now has another person to think about besides herself as little Preston is carried off the plane by one of her handlers. Now, I'm not privy to Brit's private life, and I cannot presume to know what it's like to be 1. rich and famous; and 2. a mother, but I do know that Britney Spears ain't going to win any motherhood awards any time soon, considering that it appears she can't be bothered to carry her own child off a plane.

And speaking of tabloids...

Item: In addition to "Scientologist clone" and "vapid starlet," Katie Holmes can now add "knocked up by midget man-boy" to her stunning resume. Trackback the original news here.

Holmes couldn't be "more fortunate" and "happy" and other fake sentiments about the recent discovery. She's even keen on giving birth the good ol' fashioned Scientologist way (trackback the procedure here), and can't wait to share the rest of her empty life with Tom Cruise, the most "amazing" man she has ever met (which leads to the assumption that she hasn't met many people).

Meanwhile, Holmes' ex-boyfriend Chris Klein, whom I don't give enough credit to, has tried to talk Holmes out of her shot-gun wedding, and tells reporters that he and Holmes no longer speak. Also not buying her brainwashed story is Holmes' own father, who was unhappy with her switch to Scientology from the start and probably gives Cruise the stink-eye whenever he can.

But nothing can deter Katie Holmes, because she's in love (and more pregnant than the couple lets on, unless she's giving birth to quintuplets). After all, Tom Cruise is a great catch! If you like crazy, short-tempered and "glib," that is.

More tabloid fun! I especially love their exceptional use of Photoshop and their hyperbole-d headlines:

Item: Some quickie news.

- Nas and Jay-Z ended their feud and made up at Power 105.1's Power House concert in New Jersey last month. Trackback the love here. Good for them for burying the hatchet. I hope some others learn from this and follow suit.
- Jessica Simpson says, in a recent interview, that if she weren't a multi-talented songstress she'd be a psychologist. I guess we can say the mental health profession lucked out here. Speaking of, a Jessica Simpson + Nick Lachey break up packs the same punch as The Spice Girls break up in 2000. Which is to say, not a lot.
- For the single men (and women) out there, super-sexy Gabrielle Union has recently separated from her husband. Trackback the proceedings here. The Honeymooners and "Night Stalker" star had been married for fours years, but there is no word on a divorce yet.
- Unconfirmed, but Ashlee Simpson, following her visit to Much Music last week to promote her new album and to assault us with her petulant "I Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend" song, reportedly showed up in a downtown McDonald's drunk, no less, and proceeded to dance on a table. A by-stander asked for her autograph and was immediately heckled and shot down as Simpson told him that he'd have to "kiss her feet" in order to receive anything as great as her autograph. As it happens, someone had a camera, and this exchange was caught on tape. We'll stay tuned to see if this story is confirmed or just tabloid fodder.

Off to scratch my head at Ashlee Simpson's weird haircut choices,