So what's up with the blog?
So let’s get straight to the point. What’s up with the Undercover Brother blog? Part I of my summer dating report ended with a teaser promising a detailed cross-analysis of my developing interactions with Sisters #1, 2 and 3. Nothing for months. Then, there’s the matter of the quiet disappearance of the blog altogether. The very few people at AfroToronto.com who know my identity have been asking, and the reader e-mails have been coming in: “What happened to Undercover Brother?”
Well, since we are in a new era of the “007”, let me use that analogy to say that I have had reason to believe that my cover may have been compromised and I needed to step back for a bit. Some of the storylines were perhaps becoming too recognizable for comfort. I also know for a fact that some of those sisters I speak of in the blog are fans of this site, and I’m a writer. But in other ways, this blog was a good way to send encrypted notes to suspected dates who may have blown my cover. It soon became a surreal feeling, real or not, that this blog had become a third entity in my dealings with them.
The blog was the elephant in the room that no one directly talked about. I felt a bit like Harper in the movie The Best Man, who suddenly saw the real-life people in his surroundings recognizing themselves in my sometimes uncomfortably honest accounts. It became a thin line between fiction and reality.
When there was no longer any doubt in late summer that I was dating someone who knew for a fact that I was Undercover Brother, Part II of my last blog entry was a little harder to write and publish. I had so much to write about her since I was experiencing a level of spiritual connection with her that was incredible. How do you say those things through the filter of a public blog? Why not be a man and say it out loud? But before I could, I again had to exorcise with my own internal demon: “the non-committal” demon.
I can hear the questions coming already. Which of the three sisters was it? Well, you haven’t met her yet.
Actually, Sister #2 from my last blog entry (who happens to be Charlotte from the Hitch in T.O. Part 3 speed dating event series) had already figured out who she was a while back. We’ve had lengthy discussions about many things -- including the infamous blog. We both figured out that my ego and stubbornness, rather than true love, were behind my sometimes relentless pursuit of her. Certainly, I felt a strong attraction towards her, and whatever undefined connection we had was real. But the signs were written all over the wall that this was not a relationship. Something was definitely there, but it took a while, especially for me, to figure out what it was. The scary realization I had was that even though, deep down, I knew this was not going to get anywhere romantically, there was the sadistically comforting feeling, on my end, that it was sort of a pseudo-relationship (which was actually a blurred friendship) that did not entail the commitment of a real relationship. We agreed that we both deserve better than that. We are now amazing friends, and she has found a man who brings her the butterflies in the belly. God works in mysterious ways. In hindsight, my journey with Charlotte has been an invaluable experience of self-discovery that has better equipped me to be ready to recognize and welcome “the one.” One thing I learned from Charlotte is that women will often recognize a man’s real feelings towards them long before they even recognize it for themselves.
Back to my last blog entry, with Sister#1, it was yet another case of commitment-phobic behaviour which expressed itself in a more traditional sense. I’m not sure if Sister#1 ever figured out my Undercover Brother identity, though. The potential for a relationship was definitely there. The mutual attraction, her passion and dedication were supposed to be everything a man would ever want. But for some reason, I couldn’t commit to an exclusive relationship with her. She knew about my unhealthy fixation with Charlotte and couldn’t understand why men would always seem to not recognize a good thing when it stared them in the face. By the end of the summer, we had stopped calling and seeing each other. Was she right? I asked myself. Are men simply pursuers who have no real desire to actually commit to anyone they don’t need to chase after anymore?
I like to think to myself that it’s much more complex than that. The verdict is still out.
"Commitment is one of the underlying goals of all men. Once I knew that I wanted to be married, I checked what I was doing or not doing to fulfill that goal. When I started to be honest with myself, I didn't date just for the sake of hooking up with someone. I started looking for the woman I wanted in my life."-- Marc G., 33, creative-agency owner ( Real men speak … Essence, Jan 2006 )
The above writer may have a point there. The end of the summer was a point in my life where I took a hard look at my own self-inflicted patterns, which, consciously or unconsciously, prevented me from finding real commitment.
Just when I stopped chasing to take a breath, that’s when it happened—well, sort of. I should say that I saw the Promised Land. It’s still up to me to figure out if I’ll keep wandering in the desert, but I know that I can find true commitment if I choose to. But again, this is my life, so there is drama in more ways than one involved with that very word: “choice.”
More on Part II (yeah … THIS year, I promise! lol).
